My name is John Stewart and I’m 37 years of age. I’ve been married to a wonderful lady, Toni, for the past eleven years and we have two beautiful daughters, Mary Grace, 7, and Chloe, 2.

I played college football, obtained a BS degree in Agricultural Business and then got into law enforcement. My life was going perfectly (even though cops don’t make squat).

In 1996, Toni and I were blessed with a perfect little girl. Blue eyes, blonde hair, and smart as a whip! At about three years old, Mary Grace began her campaign of getting her a little sister (or brother?). Oh the things she had planned for her little sister. Barbie dolls, dress-up, the works. 

After a couple of years, Toni and I decided that if we were going to expand our family, now was the time. After all, another little Mary Grace would be wonderful. Soon we found out that we were in fact going to have another little tike. Mary Grace attended and proudly graduated from “Big Sister” class. She was so excited and could not wait until the baby was born. 

I have always been terrified that I would have a child with a birth defect or something, but I had faith in God that it would not happen. Not to me anyway. That kind of thing only happened to other people. After all, I already had my life planned out with two or more happy, healthy children and a wonderful wife to grow old with. You know how you sit and daydream about what your kids are going to become, the empty nest years, weddings, all happy days. 

On the big day, I remember standing beside the delivery bed. The baby was delivered and I was so happy. For some reason, it did not feel the same way as it did when Mary Grace was born. Something was wrong. Then one of the doctors asked me to step into a small room and asked me, “Are you familiar with the term Down syndrome?” Why was he asking me this? I wanted to slap myself to wake up out of the nightmare. The doctor told me that it appeared that my new little girl may have Down syndrome. What? This could not be happening to us! The doctor told me not to mention the news to Toni because she had already gone through a great deal already and needed rest. I walked back out of the room and saw Toni holding the baby. She was smiling and holding the baby, yet I could not wake up from the dream. She looked at my face and asked me if something was wrong. I told her no, everything was fine. Nobody else from our family had made it to the hospital yet. They took Toni away for awhile to recuperate and took the baby to the neonatal care unit. 

We stayed at the hospital for ten days with Chloe on oxygen. They took blood samples from Chloe to make sure she had Down’s and to tell what type. I didn’t feel like we needed that test. We already knew she had Down’s. My Dad told me that he read on the internet that they sometimes didn’t live very long. (Must have been an old article). For some reason, that didn’t make me sad. I felt that maybe that was God’s will. Yep, I can’t believe I felt that way either! I could not stay at the hospital for very long periods of time. I couldn’t breath in there. I could not hold her without crying. I kept thinking about what I was going to do. What choices I had. Some guys would just hit the road and not deal with this. But that is not the way I’m built. I loved Toni and Mary Grace and I would not abandon them. I felt like I was a bad, cold person for feeling like I did. But those were my feelings. Maybe normal, maybe not, but they were mine. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that God only gave special children to special parents. I didn’t want to be special, just normal, like everyone else. I would gladly give up the special part for a normal, healthy child. 

I’m 6’4”, 280 pounds and I could not be strong for Toni. She was the strong one. Carrying that baby inside her for nine months, I guess she had already bonded with her. I had experienced sadness before, but I never knew what a broken heart felt like until Chloe was born. The little girl I had pictured in my mind for nine months was a “no show.” I felt like God had given us the wrong baby. Hurt, pain, depression, these words cannot come close to explaining the way I felt. To say the least, I was an absolute mental mess. I had so many thoughts going through my head. From feeling guilty and depressed that we didn’t give Mary Grace the perfect little sister, to thinking about the financial burden all the hospital bills were sure to be. 

When Chloe came home, I did a good job of going through the motions of being a Daddy to her. I just knew that if I got too attached, we would get some bad news telling us that she would not live very long. I didn’t know what in the world was going to come around the next corner. Toni and I had been thinking of names for months. Mary Grace came up with the name of Chloe, but we felt like that was too much of a little girl name. For some reason, that name seemed to fit her perfectly.

Chloe has been home with us for almost three years now. We get so excited at every little accomplishment she makes in her development. She actually turned out to be quite a high functioning little girl, with a mind definitely her own. She has bright red hair, beautiful blue eyes, and can give the biggest hugs and kisses that you have ever experienced. She loves with every inch of her little self and leaves no question about how much she loves you. Mary Grace is also very proud and accepting of her little sister. However, she has to keep the door to her room closed because Chloe has a knack for finding crayons and feels the walls are the perfect canvas for her artwork.

Yep, I’m Chloe’s Dad, and I would not trade her for the most healthy baby in the world with a million bucks in its diaper. I can leave the house for an hour and when I return, you would think she had not seen me in days. We lie in the floor of her room and watch Elmo together, make funny faces at each other and weather permitting, swing, swing, swing. She is absolutely wonderful and I love her with all my heart. One of the things that bothered me at first was the fact that she may live with us the rest of our lives. No empty nest years. Now, well if that is the case, I’m the lucky one! 

In closing, I would like to sum it up. Your feelings are your feelings. Don’t be ashamed of them or try to hide them. Chances are, others have felt the same way. I wish there would have been another guy out there that I could have talked to in the early stages. I also wish that I could have been around a child that had Down syndrome, so that I could see for myself that everything was going to be alright. Heck, I have always been kind of scared to be around anyone with special needs or that were different. Now I see that they are all just wonderful people. These little kids will love you unconditionally! They love life to the fullest. They don’t care if anyone looks at them funny. They seem to have no negative thoughts in their heads. Don’t you wish we could all be like that? Me, too. 

I found out, after Chloe was born, that during the pregnancy, Toni’s doctor gave her the option of having the test done to see if the baby possibly had Down syndrome. She told him that she did not want to have the test done because she would keep the baby regardless. (The test isn’t very accurate anyway). When I first learned of the option discussed, I was slightly angered I didn’t get a choice. Now I’m glad I was not placed in the position of making a choice. I would not have had things turn out any other way than the way God made them. As a matter of fact, I thank God frequently for His blessing He bestowed on our family. 

If you ever need someone to talk to, or would just like to get together, just give me a call, anytime. 

John Stewart 
Home: (601) 856-5013 
Cell: (601) 278-7648 
Work: (800) 678-2660 
Email: johns@mdac.state.ms.us

Chloe came to us as a complete surprise. You see, we were expecting a perfect baby girl, not a baby with Down syndrome. The shock was great. There was pain and a sense of loss. Then we met Chloe. She is perfect, exactly what God meant for her to be. She amazes me with an ability to make me smile, no matter how down I feel. Watching her grow and learn is exciting. My special child is such a joy! 

Toni Stewart 
Hm- (601) 856-5013 
Cell- (601) 953-0563 
Email: imcloe2@hotmail.com 

From a Grandmother’s Perspective 

My name is Sharon Richardson and I am a 55-year-old grandmother of six little girls. I raised three daughters and very much enjoyed being a mom. In light of that I knew this “Nana” phase was going to be a wonderful part of my life. As with many of you I just expected after going through the birth of the first three granddaughters that number four would not be any different. I had no idea what was in store for us. I had read a book entitled, “Angel Unaware” by Dale Evans when I was a teenager and even wrote a short essay about the amazing gift of compassion God had given them. I never dreamed that anything such as that would ever happen in our lives. The morning Chloe was born almost three years ago came as a great shock. I remember standing outside the nursery wondering why John and the doctors had such grave expressions on their faces. Finally John came and uttered the words “Down syndrome” as he tore the mask off of his face. He could hardly speak as he said, “Toni does not know yet and I have to get some fresh air.” I stood there in disbelief thinking I not only have a daughter that is going to be devastated, I have a son-in-law that is in great pain. It was going to be my responsibility to be strong and I felt so weak. Those days in the hospital were very stressful. The joy and the pain continued to be intertwined as the accepting process took place. We were reminded by people who wanted to offer support that “God gives special children to special families.” I myself had spoken those words in the past never realizing how empty they really are. During that traumatic time we did not feel special. Now as I reflect I think that statement would be better expressed this way, “God gives special children to families that he wants to teach some of life’s special lessons.” I wish we had realized then how we would feel now. Chloe is such a joy. We have all grown so much. It is important to look for the positives in every day and enjoy them completely. Watching children grow is much like watching flowers bloom. Each variety brings its own beauty to the world. The same is true with children - each one is unique. You wait excitedly for each new expression, new physical achievement and first words. You cannot compare them, for they each grow at their own pace and each one brings its own beauty to the world. 

Sharon Richardson